To Hug or not to hug August 16, 2021 – Posted in: Celebrant

To hug or not to hug … that was the question at a recent Celebration of Life service.

The family were all in agreement about the wearing of masks – optional but advised for inside when moving around – however a decision on hugging or shaking hands was trickier.

Along with selecting readings and musical choices, the issue of social distancing has now become something else for grieving families to decide … and make no mistake a decision must be made before the first guests arrive because no one knows quite how to behave these days.

Few of us adults feel anything other than extremely awkward with bumping elbows and the delightful namaste prayer hands has not caught on in our Western culture.

Let’s face it, we Brits never really knew how to meet and greet before the pandemic. As someone who has spent most of her life in a Latin and European environment I have often been caught out moving in for a double kiss (it’s three in The Netherlands) and either starting on the wrong side and awkwardly hitting noses, or being rebuffed with an extended arm and outstretched hand waiting for my grip.

It seems to me that there is no social situation that requires plenty of supportive hugging more than a funeral. To reach out and embrace someone who is grieving is a basic human instinct and it is hard to suppress the urge to comfort someone who is so obviously sad and suffering. But, as COVID figures and admittance to our local hospital were rising alarmingly; and because the elderly and vulnerable would be among the mourners, it was decided that we would all practise social distancing. So I made an announcement to this effect at the beginning of the ceremony.

One of the readings was an extract from the children’s book The Velveteen Rabbit (by Margery Williams). First published in 1922, this book can be enjoyed on many levels but perhaps its main message is that – like the toy rabbit – we become REAL through the process of connection. The irony was not lost on any of us that the lady whose life we were celebrating was renowned for her huge, hard, bear-like hugs. However, she didn’t have an esoteric touchy- feely approach to life, her robust hugs were decidedly down to earth and everyone who was there missed them.

Although it was the sensible decision for us all to be distant with each other, during the quiet Reflection Time, I was mentally sending strong hugs out to the next of kin. Like Zoom, there’s no doubt that virtual hugs are a poor substitute for the REAL thing.

Caption: Front cover of the 1922 Heinemann edition